It's Been a While

"Hope is a thing with feathers"...

A very wise acting teacher of mine, Richard Pinter, said this quote to me in my second year at The Neighborhood Playhouse School of the Theatre.  I never really understood it until now.  

I grew up in a very supportive loving environment at home.  My parents both told me to work hard and follow my dreams, and so I did.  I knew that becoming an actor would be a life filled with ups and downs and plenty of rejection, but I was ready for that.  I loved the ride.  I loved the unpredictability and the ever changing schedule.  I was prepared for the "rejection" of not being cast in different productions, shows, commercials, etc. I was prepared for the instability financially and was prepared to work hard at a "Joe Job" to pay the bills...for my art.

What I was not prepared for in the weird but wonderful world of acting is the heartbreak you feel when you think you've gotten your foot in the elusive "door"...when you actually GET THAT PART that you think is going to change things but then somehow things fall through the cracks.  I worked hard on countless projects that didn't go very far (AKA didn't even get the opportunity to be seen) and my heart hurt.  I was "cast" in several "feature films" that never panned out.  My agent never came to a show I did all summer that I was very proud of and then decided to let me go off the roster. I felt like a failure and frankly a fraud. I wasn't an actor, I was trying and not succeeding at being one. I started to doubt my talent and whether my life in acting was going anywhere.  I felt the years flying by and my career wasn't even close to where I wanted it to be.  The HOPE that I once felt so strongly, seemed like a broken promise that I had made to myself.  I felt as though I was stuck in an abusive relationship with my acting career and so I lashed back at it to try to gain control.

I started to focus on my business.  I stopped hanging out and chatting with actor friends.  I stopped reading plays.  I stopped looking for a new agent.  I stopped acting...and for a while, it felt right.

I tried to convince myself (and my ever supportive family) that this was the right move, that I had found the natural transition from actor to entrepreneur and that my life was unfolding in a totally satisfying way.  This state of mind which I believed to be genuine began to fade.

The dissatisfaction I felt in my life artistically crept up on me slowly but steadily.  It happened so slowly in fact that I didn't even realize what was happening...I was just suddenly more irritable, less interested in my business, less motivated to exercise and I just sort of felt..bleh. Many months later I was asked to do a corporate acting gig (I play a fun character in a "workplace investigation" to help people train for similar situations in their work environment). I prepared for it, executed it well, and I felt great.  My energy was better, my motivation was back, and I felt more like me.  I pulled out my favorite Stars album on the drive home and blasted it with a huge smile on my face.  It was the first time I had tapped into my "actor self" in almost a year.

Everything I saw and read suddenly reminded me of acting, and I felt something in my gut that I had never felt this deeply before...REGRET.

Classmates and former acting coworkers suddenly seemed to be popping up in Feature Films, Broadway shows and even TV Commercials on the daily.  My Instagram was flooded with other peoples posts about 'following your dreams' and quotes like: 'ignoring your passion leads to slow death' etc etc.  It was as though the universe was giving me a little nudge, a little reminder that it's not too late.

Some people think it is such a simple decision...just get back at it.  Balance your business (which oddly enough is doing better than ever now) with your acting schedule and just make it work.  Give it another go.  Other people think it's crazy to throw any more of my time at a career that didn't give me the financial or emotional stability that I did, in fact end up craving more and more.  

Everyone has a suggestion, a point of view and both sides are valid. I just have to figure this out for myself.  Is there some sort of magical balance between the business and acting that I can manage or is that a pipe dream?  Am I going to hit my 30th birthday as an actor/entrepreneur or just an entrepreneur?

I don't know the answer yet.  I just know that I need to make a change because life is too short and artistically, I feel a little starved.  Whether this means teaching acting to clients kids once a week or jumping in with both feet and getting a new agent, I'm just not sure yet.

xo Allie

An Impromptu Commercial Shoot (Sounds Fancier than it is) & Some Great News...

I recently shot an Independent Feature called FOOTSTEPS which I will write an entire blog about very soon.  The director, Noam Kroll is an amazing man who is not only a creative genius but wonderful to work with.  He called me late on Sunday night because he had an actor back out on him for a commercial shoot the next day.  I really needed to get some fairly basic aspects of my life under control (ie laundry, and definitely xmas shopping) but Noam is awesome and I was happy to do him the favor.  We shot on the U of T campus and luckily the weather held up for the most part and my hands only went ET on me once (I have bizarrely poor circulation...).  It was especially worth spending the day shooting just to hear some exciting news about FOOTSTEPS, there is interest from some major Film Festivals (AH!).  Stay tuned.

The day before the commercial shoot I had auditioned with my boyfriend for a short film called MEMORIES and we were both pretty keen on the sides.  The director didn't realize that we were a couple and we decided to leave it that way.  We found out yesterday that we booked the part!  Shooting will be over 3 days in early January.  So excited to work with my man and such a young and bright director.  

Murphy's law struck pretty hard when the shoot dates conflicted exactly with my sister's bridal shower/bachelorette which I am helping to plan and partially hosting.  Luckily, both of my sisters and the other bridesmaids are amazing and my initial meltdown was totally pre-mature as we have moved the entire weekend of celebrations to the following weekend.  

I've been slacking pretty heavily on the running this week.  Last week I ran 20K and this week I've only run 5K total.  No point in dwelling on it though - going to get back on that horse tomorrow morning before work and ride into the sunset.  And I'll be listening to this song to get me going (shout out to my sister Meg for introducing me to this awesome running tune)...

Good luck with the Christmas shopping!  Remember:  If you find yourself standing in the middle of THE GAP or some comparable store with arms full of generic t shirts in a cold sweat...put the clothing down, go to Starbucks and REGROUP!  I'm not speaking from experience here or anything...

Take care, enjoy the Christmas lights and music and treat yourself to something yummy or pretty, or both!

xoxo

Allie